Coming Out of the Cave

I forgot how much fun carving a pumpkin could be. My daughter picked out one of the biggest pumpkins there was to be had, and it was a tall one too. She laughed while scooping the "innards" out. She was especially intent on getting all of the seeds to dry. So now a jack-o-lantern adorns our porch.

Perhaps I am starting to live again. Or feel again. Or both. Unless you have been where I am, and where I was, then perhaps you cannot understand what it means to live with depression.

Ironically enough, living with depression is not fully living at all. It's hard to be numb at times, and watch yourself be numb, but not be able to find a way out of it. The frustration adds to your feelings of darkness.

I liken being trapped by depression to being in a cave. You can leave the cave, but what if you have to make yourself leave the cave, and you don't want to do it. Or you don't know how to do it. Or you simply just cannot leave the cave!

Thankfully, there are medications and therapies out there that can help. I come from a family that believes that ones body can be ill but not the same with ones mind. I know better. And they probably do too. I am not the only one that suffers from depression in my family. I am, however, the only one outspoken about my health and open with my treatment. To keep such things hidden is an injustice to the one that is suffering. But I can only take care of myself.

Last week wasn't the first time that my son has left our family. So I have experienced some of what I am going through now before. But I find it so hard to know that he left this home as an "adult" in the sense that Michigan allows seventeen-year-olds to leave home without parental or law enforcement interference.

My son is not prepared to handle his life independently. And he has place himself in a home where there are three other children and a baby on the way. So I don't see how he will get the assistance that only a parent of that child could give. Not to mention the understanding of his depression and anxiety that comes with the losses he has had during his life.

The last time that I heard from my son was Thursday night, when we were under a tornado warning and he was concerned about his sister and I. Of course this weighs heavily on me. Not to mention his indifference to his sister and I and not staying at least for the day of his birthday.

The only way I see to go is forward. Perhaps the exit of my son from our household will have positive effects on my leaving the cave.

Debbie